Comfortably numb

3: 45 a.m. Here I am! surrounded with whirling fumes of cigarettes and bidis, hazy aroma of white rum. Yes, you are right, this is another Saturday night. What am I waiting for? Probably just holding on to this elusive feeling of freedom. The right to wake up as late as I wish to. The right to be not bothered by pesky calls from office, the right to be unaware about the time in my draconian alarm clock, the right to be ME for one day, and not to be another guy who reports into somebody, who reports into somebody else...

Last night somebody asked me, "are you happy?". Well, its always difficult to answer such open-ended questions. I answered in affirmative, as earnestly as possible, with my limited theatrical skills. But it got me thinking. What is happiness? What is satisfaction? Is it living in the moment, or is it the pursuit , the journey, the hope of success and the fear of failure? If being happy is as ephemeral as the moment which just passed by, I am ecstatic. But if it is a point in one's life at which he should aim for and plan for, well, I am clueless.

Maybe this discontent is because of the way human DNA is designed: to face the ups and downs, lows and highs, success and failures, not to be immune by externalities.
People around me seem to have that definitive course of action, a strategy for sure shot happiness. I simply lack that foresight. Their life is like that sine wave, with crest and troughs. Meanwhile, mine is that straight line which never wavers. No highs, no lows. No aims, no success, no disappointments. Some call it "robotic existence", I, ambivalence.

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

...

Have you ever felt a sort of pain in your heart...which is a combination of pleasure?

Or, reached a level of ecstacy which reminds you of the throbbing loneliness in your life? I mean a dichotmoy, which is as complex as an ocean, or as simple as her smile?

Every moment which I spend with her, is bliss!

And every second away, is routine...

Maybe we will never be one, for reasons inexplicable,

maybe I will never be complete, for the sins I can't undo...

probably all this is as ephemeral as a drop in the ocean...


but how does that matter...?

Awareness Quotient: The monthly update

Here is a crasher for all those people who missed last month's daily dose of newspapers. The list below includes people (or things) who/that made all the difference:

1. Mr. Raj Thackarey a.k.a. Dennis the MNS (menace): CEO of a placement agency which boasts of a 100% placement record in Jet Airways, even in such rough weather for aviation industry. His ambition is to make sure that next time the visiting premiere from USA (be it Obama or McCain) is fluently speaking Marathi and performing Daandiya. Best of Luck!!
   
2. Himesh Reshammiya: according to research conducted by one Mr. Ramesh Mahadik (yeah...that is a virile name!!) from Yeavatmal Centre for Extraterrestrial research   , our very own nasal sensation, is most likely to be abducted by aliens,and then come back as an ambassador for their race because his high frequency yodelling makes him a very useful target. (that's great, as a matter of fact, when he comes back we can also have a Daandiya competition between Obama/McCain, Mr. Raj Thackarey, Himesh, our Mahadik (the pun is ruthlessly intended) and the lovely aliens.
   
3. Mr. Naresh Goyal, CEO Jet Airways (so what if he is not involved in the decision to fire few people, I mean come on they were only 1900): The sole carrier of all the goodness which is left in the world. The man with the conscience. Let us hope aliens do not abduct this last torch of hope from us.
   
4. Chandrayan-I: Our very own lunar mission. Objectives of the mission are:
   

• To persuade the aliens to hasten their pace and fulfill the prophecy of Mr. Mahadik. Hum aliens ka yeh KARZZZZ kaise utaarenge??
  
• To do a site hunting for Shiamak Davar' s Daandiya classes, so that all the involved parties (Refer point 2) can learn all about it in a peaceful and mutually symbiotic ambience.
  
• To carry out high-resolution mapping of topographic blah, blah, blah.........

      5.  Amar Singh, Bal Thackarey, Abu Azmi, Lalu Prasad Yadav.....: So reads the waiting list for the trip to Daandiya classes on moon.

     6. And last and definitely the least important of all, those seven Random Guys (who don't even get a bold type-font!!)  who died in the mob massacre last week in Mumbai. Their aim was to earn their living, send some money to their families, chug some beers and live to get old. AAhh...such sinful thoughts.

God hail their souls.

"Never shall innocent blood be shed. Yet the blood of the wicked shall flow like a river. And shepherds we shall be,for thee my lord for thee"- Boondock Saints

   

27 sneezes in half hour makes you a philosopher

The latest research that was conducted at 2:00 A.M. (IST) on 19th Oct'2008 in the humble premises of the guinea pig (erstwhile Random Guy) proved that incessant sneezing can ignite the vesicular muscle of right lobe of the brain and thus transform you from a random guy to a deep thinking philosopher who thinks randomly and fleetingly.

Suffering from cold and fever, lying in my bed, i was wondering what could be the reason behind my insatiable need of money. Just a couple of years ago...i was surviving on INR 5,000 a month from my parents, and that too with the lifestyle of a lavish spender. (my friends will prove the claim, in case you doubt). Here I am, earning a lot more than that (being a banker, u can expect me to account for 12% + inflation in last few months)...and still money is that fleeting entity which is easy to come and damn easy to go. I am not anymore the most extravagant guy of my social circle. A few nights back, i found myself doing a mental calculation and dividing the pub's bill by number of guys at the table, to my utter irritation. That lefts me wondering, is it possible that the more money you get...the cheaper disposition you attain?

Indeed a scary thought. A normal course of thought suggests, increasing means should lead to a positively correlated power to splurge. Isn't it? Sadly results indicate differently, at least in my case. I think i am getting stingy. Is this is what it means to get rich? Is this equated to getting mature? Saving for future? My ass!!

If this is the take away of getting better-off in life...i am happier with a pocket money of INR 5,000 a month (no matter how much the $-Rs. value has depreciated). I don't want that next promotion, I am no more inclined towards that lucrative project. I am happier getting my student life back. I am craving for that simplicity, a life so different from a calculator, who just divides the money spent by the number of friends.

The Simplicity Rest In Peace...
As the complexity of Division rules the heart...!!

-Another brick in the wall.

An Ode to Mum(Bom)bai(bay)

Hey all,

Long time it has been... have been really busy with work, and shirking work. 

After sitting at the workstation for 10 hours, two hours of genuine work and 8 hours of sincere pretension, writing seems to be the last thing in mind. but worry not folks, i have sorted the issue, i think i can do well with 20 less minutes of looking at useless work sheets.

Feel like talking about mumbai. tough city to survive, local trains, existence of a sloth, individuality and differentiation to a degree of a taxi full of dead fishes... i must hate the city...right...??

but somehow i am in love with the city. its prowess definitely lies in stripping you stark naked, of all artificialities and misconceptions, and keeping you grounded.

Me coming from a small town and modest upbringing, mumbai seem to generate  a whole spectrum of behavioral patterns within me. I can only fathom, how tough it is for people around me, my Friends and a solitary girl friend, to survive this endless PMSing. my initial reactions to the city were quite acceptable. i liked hanging out at the best pubs, go to discs, ogle at girls. But the second phase is where the things are getting really interesting. I have gotten smitten by the dark alleys and the shady places. Suddenly the charm of Wink, Poison and Leopold seems to be fading. the nearby bar, with stained sofa and light bulb lighting seems rather exciting. (trust me, the sub-prime lending and wall street fiasco are not responsible for this dire state)

why such a disorientation in the thought? I mean if you love mumbai, you should be enchanted by the marine drives, the high rises, the pubs, the classy girls and the richness of it. But here i am...a stark contrast. i am floored by the city, but enamoured by the dark side. i do not find the glitz...glitzy, glamor...glamorous. This thought is harping me!! 

But then i realize, that by resigning myself to the darkness and felling in love with it, i am actually using the age old concept of "Comparative Comfort". When i see a taxi guy getting slapped by a 20 something brat for 5 rs., a beautiful girl dancing in a sleazy bar for a petty 10 rs.  i realize that i have no right to complaint. i have gotta fair deal. 

you can not genuinely love something till you are aware of the negative side. in that manner and many other i think, I LOVE MUMBAI.

My hands are empty, pockets are vacant,

here i am,

out of luck...yet full of hope.

"sometimes nothing...can be a real cool hand"- Paul Newman in ' Cool Hand Luke'